What defines a person? Their marital, job, or religious status? Who am I? Who will I become after the divorce? Will I still be Dawn Allen? I have no ‘job’ status. I am disabled and unable to work in the real world. I will no longer be a wife. I guess I will always be a mother and grandmother except that they are not daily jobs any more.
I will always be a woman. I will always be a Christian…. I hope. I won’t always be alive, married, divorced or have a dog. I won’t always have happiness though I pray to always seek God’s face and not just his hands. I will not always be an artist. I will not always have a computer or a home. Hopefully, I will always have my music to worship the Lord of my spirit but if not, I will make up melodies in my heart!
What defines me? I am a human with a heart that breaks sorely but can lash out in fear at the same time. I can love and hate in the same breath. Am I a vicious person? Don’t I have the love of God supposedly in me? Yes, supposedly. I believe it is an ongoing process ~ just as it is with you my friend.
Does the fear, or hatred, or pain, or love define me? I would think what defines me would be based on who is doing the defining. If it is you, my reader, I may be defined as a hypocritical, judgmental, religious fool. Forbid. To the politician I am a ‘yea’ or ‘nay’ vote. To the neighbor I walk the dogs for I am a great help. To my husband… my step-kids… my mother…my brother…my son…possibly a curse.
The most important would be who God defines me as. Thankfully, he sees past the shame and pain and guilt and hatred and looks deep into my heart to the tiniest shred of delight in him, alone. He gave his life to redeem us from ourselves. His definition of who we are cannot be measured on human scales. Thankfully.
While being a good Christian, going to church, obeying the rules and loving others as ourselves are noble attributes; God only defines us by our true love and desire for a deep, personally intimate relationship with him.
Whilst I am losing all my worldly attachments, my human definitions and the chaff is being burned, all I have left to define me is my heartfelt love towards a God I cannot see. It is the only definition that will carry me through night and day~ dark and light.
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I don't have any advice - I can only listen.
Just a fellow traveler.
Josh
Hi Josh,
Thanks for reading and responding. I am not totally sure what a person needs to attain this relationship. The first thought would be a willingness to grow that relationship at ANY cost. Don’t get me wrong. I cringe and that word hurts because I am losing everything but when I look at it I don’t have a choice. I cannot go back to the idle pacifying way of religion. I have found that trying to align myself with the desires of the Lord can be very hard and often I will slip. It is like a marriage.(Except that it cannot really be aligned with the human version of marriage.) Your wife wants certain things from you. She desires other things. She needs special stuff. When you take out the trash, mow the yard, play with your son and help her with chores she feels loved. The basic difference here is that God doesn’t care what we do for him or if we ever do anything again. All he wants is our heart. Above all things. Above our wife, kids, job, baseball teams, hobbies, church, etc. I know that sounds simple and basic. I have heard that for 27 years in the churches. But now getting to finally live it. Is it easy?! AGH!!! We are taught as new Christians that we please God by doing, doing, doing. We are a people of doing. America at its best. If we stay busy enough God never has a chance to really get his place in our lives. Yes, the scripture talks of being doers of the word. But that scripture seems to be highlighted and all the ones that speak of just ‘being’ are watered down. (A friends blog that might explain this better is: http://gospelapostle.blogspot.com/2007/08/do-be-do-be.html).
What increases my peace and brings me closer to God is when I just stand back from it all, close the blinds, and focus on him. Instead of letting the rush of life and daily junk continue to jar me, I figure nothing is that important, or more important than seeking him and I shut out the noises of the world and all its urgencies to do like Phil 4:8 says: Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
I am not sure if it is an unfortunate or fortunate thing that I have always drawn closer to God in the midst of my trials. Maybe that is why I have so many!? God knows that I seek him with an even more urgency when faced with the heavy burdens of life.
I read your profile. I would love to say I have had such a pretty life. It seems my life has mirrored yours in the opposite way. And I am losing my residence, husband, kids, comfort, transportation, and any luxuries afforded it seems. I have no one but God to talk with and listen. (Although AzRon does listen! Haha!)
This is the road less traveled. But I know that if life were happy, happy for me I would not seek him nearly as deeply. Maybe after this stint and this purging of self, I will finally catch on how to just ‘be’ with him and not have to prove myself with works.
Dawn
P.S. Sorry this answer was so long!